Humorous erotica? Is that a thing?

The other day my friend Michele mentioned humorous erotica. Wait. Is that a real thing, I asked? Sure, she said. Ah-ha! I thought. Maybe that’s what I wrote?

Photo of lights in branches

Romantic lights to get you in the mood.

Here’s what I know for sure:

1. Bea’s Notes is meant to be funny and realistic. It’s not sexy times through a fuzzy filter. It’s the real, awkward, deal. I loved reading Judy Blume when I was younger, so I was definitely inspired by her books. I’m thinking of Forever.

2. I started writing the short story when I realized I had a hard time writing sexy times in my novel. The scenes always ended up hilarious, even when they were supposed to be, well, sexy. So I went with it in Bea’s Notes.

Okay. So, I promise I won’t keep writing about Bea’s Notes, but while it’s available for free, I want to let people know it’s there (until January 11).

Read an excerpt:

Bea was so wet she felt soggy.

It had been raining for three days straight and everything was damp to its core. Deeply damp, Bea thought. She was rushing back to her dorm in yet another downpour, her hood pulled low over her forehead. Her backpack was heavy on her shoulders, the papers inside no longer dry. Bea didn’t believe in umbrellas, they were too encumbering. She preferred to rely as much as possible on her own brain and body, so she dashed from one overhang to the next and tried to read the sky.

Finally Bea reached Manzanita Hall, where all the biology and botany and forestry majors lived in a Tudor style industrial block. You could wring out these bricks like a sponge, Bea thought. She used her key card to get into the building and walked the three flights of linoleum stairs to the room built for two girls that now housed four. Bea would have taken the elevator except she was wearing her pedometer and wanted to be sure to reach her 10,000-step goal for the day. When she opened the door, she saw that no one else was home, so she plopped down on the bottom bunk where Meredith slept. Meredith always made her bed as though she lived in some scene from a lifestyle magazine. She had decorative pillows, with fringe and lace and everything. They were really soft but seemed sort of ridiculous because in reality, Bea knew, the room was like a business envelope: full of promise, but in actuality, filled with junk. That was something her father liked to say.

Bea had been in lab since nine that morning, recreating an experiment she’d done in high school. It was stupid, not especially challenging, but not especially easy either. Just stupid.

What do you want from a mid-tier public university? Bea had thought to herself during a lunch break of pretzels and frozen yogurt. That said, Woodland was the right place for her, because she wasn’t exactly the best and the brightest. She was mid-tier, too. It didn’t bother Bea. She was happy to be free of the pressures she saw her older sister suffer, always having to come up with some new collaborative humanitarian project or non-profit organization. Bea knew she didn’t want to go to grad school.

Whatever, thought Bea. She’ll be a virgin for ten more years and I’ve already done it three times!

Want to read about her first four times? Bea’s Notes is free for Kindle through January 11.

Don’t own a Kindle? It’s okay! Kindle books can be read using the Free Kindle Reader App for your Web Browser, iPhone, iPad, BlackBerry or Android.

Did you take methodical notes about your first time? Read Bea’s Notes free Jan. 7-11

Oh, first times. Where was yours? Mine was at a Hilton overlooking a water park. I’ve never looked at giant water slides the same since.

What about your favorite first time in a movie? Stealing Beauty has one of the best, I think. Liv Tyler gets it on in the Tuscan countryside under an olive tree. I wanted a do-over after I saw that movie.

As for Bea and Peter, the awkward but sweet stars of my short story Bea’s Notes, they do it in his apartment, after he agrees to launder the sheets.

Bea's Notes by Lauren Kells

Bea’s Notes by Lauren Kells

More about the story

Bea is a bio major who has had sex with Peter three times now. When she started going out with him she also started a field book. It’s filled with her notes about what they’ve tried and how it felt so that she can get a baseline experience. From there, she can start hypothesizing about what may work best for her.

Bea is methodical. And now, she’s ready to make her next entry. (I think we all know what that means.)

Free, January 7-11, 2014

Bea’s Notes is a short story available for Kindle. Don’t own a Kindle? It’s okay! Kindle books can be read using the Free Kindle Reader App for your Web Browser, iPhone, iPad, BlackBerry or Android.

Download Bea’s Notes while you can! Please consider sharing this offer with your friends, too, on your fave social media.

I’d love to know what you think, and if it reminds you of your own first awkward discoveries. That’s what comments are for!

Or share your favorite first times in books and movies.